I Am Scared

I am scared. Too scared to sign this essay because it would put my son at even greater risk than he is already. At first glance, you wouldn’t know that my 14-year-old is in danger. Last week, he hit his first 3-pointer in a basketball game. Rehearsals for his school’s spring play are running him ragged, and he’s wondering whether a sweet girl in his class will go to a Memorial Day dance with him. 

But as my son navigates middle school, the most powerful government on earth has my brave child in its crosshairs.

His crime? He is transgender -- something over which he has no more control of than the color of his eyes.  

Through a series of executive orders, the President is stripping away my right as a parent to protect my son, his doctors to care for him, and his teachers to acknowledge him. These efforts echo bans on mixed-race marriage, forced sterilization, and criminalization of homosexuality. Recently, Attorney General Pam Bondi committed the resources of the  Justice Department to persecute physicians and parents who provide care for transgender children. 

If this sounds alarmist, read on to understand what is driving us into panic and action.

But first, I should acknowledge that I understand being confused, even uncomfortable with the idea of someone’s gender being different from the private parts they came into the world with. My wife and I struggled with it for years. With the support of wise friends, social workers, and physicians, however, we came to see what our child had always known -- he is a boy. We faced a stark decision: deny his core identity, causing him enormous pain, or embrace his efforts to be healthy and happy. We chose love. He has flourished ever since and wants nothing more than to be left alone to be the boy he is.

Now the federal government is taking this life away from my son. In Orwellian fashion, the president claims to be protecting women and children as he vilifies this most vulnerable population in America. The American Medical Association, the American Pediatric Society, the American Psychiatric Association, and almost all other leading U.S. medical organizations recently told the Supreme Court what’s at stake:

‍If not treated, or treated improperly, gender dysphoria [the clinical term for what underlies transgenderism] can result in debilitating anxiety, depression, and self-harm, and is associated with suicidality. As such, the effective treatment of gender dysphoria saves lives.

For further proof of the stakes, states that have already banned care have seen an increase in suicide rates for trans kids as high as 72%. A preview of what’s coming everywhere. Some examples of what’s already happened:

• The hospital – and many others -- where my son receives treatment has just ended support for trans kids because of the federal government’s directive to cease funding if they do not.  
• Under White House directives, the government has stopped issuing passports that recognize transgender identities. We are preparing for the days when our trips to the airport are once again a traumatic act of humiliation.
• In 26 states and federal buildings (including national parks), my son is committing a crime for using the men’s bathroom. The White House is working to make this apply to all bathrooms – including those in schools and private institutions.
• The White House has said they will investigate teachers for merely acknowledging trans students’ identity.
• The new acting chair of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has made her top – yes top! – priority to remove all civil protections for transgender employees. This is the person tasked with protecting employees.

Beyond the legal, psychological, and medical consequences, these policies fuel discrimination and violence. They embolden bullies. They tell my son he does not belong.

My wife and I now spend our nights scouring the internet, joining calls with other terrified parents. Is it safe to stay in our hometown? Where can we find medical care? Will our son’s school still acknowledge him? Will we become gender refugees in search of a country that won’t target our son? 

Why is so much venom being directed at so few? The President is not only exploiting hatred for political gain, but he is also laying the legal and political foundation for future restrictions in reproductive and marriage rights. My parenting choices and son’s ability to live freely are being criminalized today; what is to stop the government from criminalizing yours tomorrow? 

Despite all this, I still believe in the decency of most of our fellow Americans and that we can return to that oft-mentioned arc of history bending towards justice and freedom. 

This depends on lawyers and judges, legislators and business leaders, parents – all Americans --standing up and saying that my son can live freely, that parents have the right to protect their children, and that doctors can provide necessary care. I beg you to tell your elected representatives to let trans kids be. 

And if you know someone who is trans or their family, reach out. We need your help.